Thursday, January 28, 2010

DAY 27 - Looking for a comeback

Seventeen long days have come and gone since I last posted.  I have only managed to exercise one time in the last two weeks, I have not done the deed with my husband in a week, and I have been working what seems like 24 hours days.

I feel on the verge of doing something reckless. What started off as a good year, is proving to be one of the most challenging years yet.  Each day I hate my job more and more.  I feel like my workload just keeps increasing while the pay stays the same.  People say that I should be lucky to have a job in this economy, but I say screw that.  It's eating away at my sanity and I feel like it is time for me to move on.  I am having an internal battle with myself.  One side encourages me to stick it out just one more year, the other side says, "QUIT NOW - BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!".  I see no light at the end of the tunnel and no possible way to make the deadlines that have been set forth. Every single day for the last week I have lost control of my emotions and let the floodgates open and the tears just pour down my face.

When I was in high school, I had an unmanageable life.  I had no direction, could care less about responsibilities, never followed through with anything and avoided doing any kind of work - EVER.  I was not a good daughter, not a good friend and was pretty worthless all the way around.  Today, I have established myself as a determined, motivated and highly dedicated individual.  I work hard everyday to prove my worth and to be a good person in as many ways as humanly achievable.  I hate to fail.  I hate to give up.  I love challenges and I always pile too much on my plate.  Today I feel like I did when I was 16 years old.  I want to walk out of the door, throw my middle finger in the air and not look back nor care how my senseless actions will effect others.  How did I get here?  In 17 short days, I have hit some kind of low for me and my sense of direction is gone.

My mom tells me to keep my sense of humor and that if I can just hold on to that then I can make it through this.  She also tells me if I make it through this, I will be much stronger a person.  So let's talk about the funny, or "not so funny" aspects of it all. 

The sewer line for our house is broken.  What this means for me and my family is that the water we need to use has no where to go and therefore backs sewage into our home if we do. Things such as going to the bathroom, taking a shower, running the dishwasher, and running a load of laundry are all out of the question.  We have gotten to be VERY  creative and I am afraid to know what we smell like to others.

My son pooped on the floor of his room the other day and it took me hours to figure out where the stench was coming from.  I think he tried to clean it up and in the process, he smeared it all over the place.

Yep - so life is just a bowl full of cherries right now.  Hopefully the next time I right, things are better. 

Sunday, January 10, 2010

DAY 10 - 365 DAY CHALLENGE

I really fell off the wagon and failed to write for three entire days!  Let's just say that the last 3 days have been CRAZY.  My oldest is officially a teenager now.  This makes my heart ache with sadness.  The time has flown by so quickly.  I have already missed so much in her life, it's as if I laid my little angel in bed one night and woke up the next morning to find a young little woman that used to be my baby.  Time is flying by so quickly, I worry that the same will happen with the other kids.  I really wish that I could stay home with the kids while they are young and be able to experience their growth more intimately.

This brings me to today.  In a few short hours, I have to get on an airplane and head across the country for work.  This will be my first trip away since I had the baby.  I wish that I could get out of it this time.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

DAY 6 - 365 DAY CHALLENGE

I got an entire 2.5 hours of sleep last night, because the baby simply refused sleep.  This infringed on my exercise that I was supposed to do at 6am because I slept until 6:30.  It also kept me from doing the deed, because I am to tired tonight and up with the baby last night.  I did manage to have a better attitude at work today and knocked a couple items off my list in that regard.  Tomorrow is my daughter's 13th birthday and I wrapped her presents tonight, but forgot to get a card.  Need to make sure to get a card tomorrow.  Oh - and I argued with my husband in front of the kids.  And when I say argue, I mean, I freaked out and heard a few cuss words fly out of my mouth.  Not even a week into this thing and I am already failing.  When I get it right it one area, it goes so wrong in the other. 

Tomorrow is another day.  I will just try harder.  Good Night.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

DAY 5 - 365 DAY CHALLENGE

Today I am reeling from the see-saw effect.  While my home life has dramatically improved over the last five days, my work life is leaving much to be desired.  Prior to this new year, my husband and I argued on average once a day.  In the last five days, we have not argued once.  That's good news, right?  Yes, except now all my frustrations are being taken out at work and unfortunately on my boss.  What's worse is that I didn't even realize what a witch I was being until co-workers ever-so-graciously pointed my bad attitude.  Now what? These goals of perfection are already waring on me.

So tonight as I go to sleep I will mentally prepare myself for tomorrow.  I will adjust my way of thinking.  I will visualize myself walking through the office with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. If I am feeling the pressure, then there's no doubt that others are too. I need to put my best foot forward tomorrow and demonstrate to myself and others that this too shall pass and we can accomplish the un-accomplishable.

I worked out today.  Didn't fight with my hubby and plan to do the deed.  I make my update tomorrow.  Oh- and check out my new goal trackers.  Pretty awesome - huh?!?!

Monday, January 4, 2010

DAY 4

I committed to one post every day so here it is.  I didn't work out today.  I did do the deed.  I didn't argue with my hubby.  I did work extra late and let my job consume me.  I almost bounced a check before I called my husband and borrowed money from him.  Yes, we have separate bank accounts, savings accounts and credit cards.  For the record, his savings accounts are always increasing, he never carries a credit card balance, and always has money in the bank.  I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite.  I work my ass off and have nothing to show for it besides a fancy title, a ton of responsibilities, and a nice wardrobe.  signing off.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

DAY 3 - 365 DAY CHALLENGE

At any given moment at least ten different things are swimming around my head.  At this particular moment I am juggling the following: I need to make a dentist appointment for my son whose front tooth is turning grey, I need to plan my daughter's 13th birthday party which is in 5 days, I have to prepare for my trip to DC which is in 6 days, I have to get my daughter squared away with her Disney trip before she leaves on the 14th, I need to find time to do the deed with my husband today, I need to schedule an appointment for the baby's 4 month check-up before they are booked, my son needs a bath, I need to find a way to get out of this debt, I need to negotiate a better compensation plan for myself, I need to get my nails done before my trip, and I need to find time to write something profound but that requires time to slow down and ponder my thoughts.  I feel like an arrow strapped to a board game spinning round and round before landing on my next obstacle.  Where does it end?  One false move and I beat myself for a week.

Today's Progress
  • I managed to pull myself out of bed at 7:30am this morning and was on the elliptical by 7:38am.  I ran on the elliptical for 20 minutes.  One gold star for me!
  • I did NOT argue with my husband today.  I think this has been easier than normal because we are both making an effort in this area.  Props to my hubby - I could not have accomplished this today without his help.  (does that count as my compliment for the day?)
  • I have NOT yet done the deed for the day, but there is still some time left.  I will report back tomorrow.
  • I spent 4 hours working and managed to get sales territories cut and 2010 price list complete.  Not really sure if these are accomplishments since it is a Sunday and I should have been spending time with the kids. 

Saturday, January 2, 2010

DAY 2 - 365 DAY CHALLENGE

I know that it is only the second day, but I already love this new year!  Today was slightly more difficult to get motivated for exercising, but I did manage to get a 30 minute work out in (even if I had to prop the baby in her swing next to me and make funny faces at her the whole time). Yeah for me! 

I started getting side tracked with the whole"blogging" thing today.  I never knew that there was so much work that goes into 'blogging" if you want people to actually come and read !  After a couple hours on the computer trying to learn everything that I could, I realized that I was getting off track and losing sight of my goals.  So if you are reading this blog, don't expect anything fancy...because I just don't have the time!  (remember juggling mom over here attempting to find balance in her life)

So I enjoyed doing the deed again today.  I think my husband is enjoying the new goals I set for 2010.  For the first time in maybe a year, he actually brought roses home for me today!  If you know my husband, then you know that in itself, is a freaking miracle.  For the second day in a row, there was no arguing between my husband and I - at all.  Another miracle - This is some kind of dream come true!  We even went on a date tonight, which was by far the best date in the last 6 months or longer.  Usually when we have a date night we fight before, during and after the date.  In fact, I don't think I would even call it a "date".  It is more like, "I need to get out the house and away from the kids for awhile and you are my only option."  Dinner with my husband is usually the most gruesome because we can never find anything to talk about without one of us being bored or disgusted.  It always depresses me because I think, "If we can't even enjoy dinner together, then what does that mean for our marriage?"  Well, not tonight.  We had great conversation throughout the meal and for the first time in a very long time I felt loved and supported.  Then we went to the movies to see Avatar whichI have to say we both LOVED!  Not only was the movie visually stimulating, it was a really creative story and I was impressed with it all the way around.  I felt like a teenager when my husband placed his hand on my knee.  I think I actually had a few butterflies fluttering about. 

I am secretly dreading tomorrow.  It is Sunday and I have so much work to get done before I get to the office on Monday morning.  I have been putting it off for the last two days, but tomorrow is the day that I need to get caught up which means working like a dog when I would rather be spending time with my family.  I suppose I will do my best and worry about it tomorrow.  Now it is time to feed the baby and hit the sack.  Night.

DAY 1 - My New Year's Challenge

I woke up on January 1st, 2010, ready to make change.  The momentum that I had throughout the day was amazing!  I got the following accomplished:
  • Excercised on the elliptical for 22 minutes
  • did the deed 1 time
  • did not argue in front of the kids
  • set-up my very first blog and blogged away
In order to make sure that I hit ALL of my goals, I need to plan a few special moments with each of the kids over the next couple weeks and come up with a plan to start saving money.  I was also thinking that while I am super determined and excited about this, I should do the deed with my husband more than once a day in order to build myself some cushion to fall back on.  Once I figure out how to do it, I will post a progress chart that marks down my deed doing until I reach my goal.  If anyone has any recommendations on how to do this, please let me know!

Friday, January 1, 2010

The 365 Day Resolution Challenge

Welcome to 2010! - A bright new year, a year for greatness. This is the year that I am going to set a New Year's resolution and spend the next 365 days blogging about how I accomplish it. Sounds simple, right? If only my new year's resolution could be mastered overnight. Nope. This one is going to take practice and I predict I will fall flat on my face quite a few times before getting it right, but I WILL get it right. The best part is that I am sharing it with the world. The idea of others watching me on this journey makes it even more exciting. I love a good challenge!

This is the year that I turn 34. This is the year that my oldest daughter becomes a teenager. This is the year that my husband and I take our first big leap into a new business venture. This is the year that I become the Director of Operations for a division of one of the largest companies in the world. Oh and did I mention that I have a three month old and a three year old? This is the story of my life. I run a million miles an hour, never slow down, and always feel as if I am coming up short.

This brings me to my new year's resolution. It started off fairly normal and simple.

As I already mentioned, I just gave birth to my third child three months ago. During the pregnancy I gained 60 pounds and now am left with a still bulging baby belly framed with a pair of deflated balloons on top. Spanx are now a part of my every day wardrobe and I have a push up bra with three inches of padding and thick straps to keep everything in place. While to an outsider I may look pretty damn good with my full body fat suckers, lift enhancers, and stylish Ann Taylor pantsuit - I still could stand to lose 20 pounds, tone things up and splurge on a few elective procedures. So my first resolution for 2010 is to get into shape. I want to look the way that I did when my husband and I started dating. This muffin top has got to go!

If I had stopped with the above then there would have been no need to blog about it, but then my husband walked in and said, "Honey, this year we need to argue less and start doing it more." Wow - what a great idea! Done. Please add two more resolutions to my list.

This afternoon when I was in the shower I thought, why not take it a step further and document 365 days of me fulfilling my new year's resolutions. So this year I am going to find balance between my demanding career, my three kids, my husband, and myself. In my career I set objectives and then metrics allowing me to measure my success. It seems only fitting that I apply my work methods to this new personal project. Below are the obejctives and metrics that I have set for 2010.

  • Excercise at least 4x per week
  • Lose 20lbs
  • I will not argue with my husband in front of the kids (for every time that I do I will put .25 cents into a jar which I will apply to the therapy that all of us will need)
  • I will compliment my husband every day (365x)
  • I will do the deed 260 times (avg 5x per week)
  • 52 special moments with each child (156 total) - I will take the time to plan and execute something memorable. It could be a trip to the zoo, an hour that I take off work to have lunch at their school, a special note in their box, etc. (if anyone has ideas I am open)
  • I will limit my work week to 50 hours - (I tend to be a workaholic and spend way too much of my time working and not enough time with my family)
  • I will save 1/3 of my salary in 2010 - (my husband thought I should add this one since he knows first hand how bad I am about saving my money. I figured what the hell)
  • Blog once a day for 365 days on my progress
For the next 365 days I am going to blog about my progress on giving 100% to all areas of my life and becoming the best , well-rounded mamma that I can be. I will documents my accomplishments, failures and effects this has on me and my family.